I remember realizing in high school that sometimes the advice from teachers, mentors, and even my parents just didn’t seem to fit me. I didn’t know it yet, but I’m wired differently from some people, and so sometimes I get advice that doesn’t work for me. In fact, some might even be counterproductive.
Read on for a sampler of advice that doesn’t work for me as an autistic adult. And if it works for you, great! Everyone is unique.
Go Out of Your Comfort Zone
I’m so over doing things solely for the sake of “going out of my comfort zone!”
As I mentioned in a recent post, I used to push myself out of my comfort zone frequently in the name of growth. I’ve since realized that there is a sweet spot for learning that you need to hit. In my experience, that zone is not 100% comfortable, but it shouldn’t be pushing you into fight or flight.
I was also assuming that exposure would lead to more comfort as time went on. This was sometimes true. But when my discomfort or dread was coming from sensory issues and not anxiety over new things, exposure wasn’t effective. For example, repeatedly seeking out noisy environments is not likely to reduce my noise sensitivity. So “going out of my comfort zone” to a loud concert might just overstimulate me. It might even discourage me from doing it again.
What Works Instead
Now, if I want to go to a loud concert, I pack my earplugs. Supports like this are a great way to try new things while maintaining well being. Chronic burnout and stress are not good for growth! But facing my anxieties about novelty and challenging my assumptions are.
So, if there’s something I feel interested in that also sounds challenging, I ask: Do I have capacity for this? What supports would help me make this possible? What fears might be coming more from assumptions than from reality?
Give 100%
Perhaps this one can be chalked up to literal thinking. Giving 100% in my mind meant going until I dropped. But as time went on, I experienced negative consequences from constantly trying to meet the standards I set for myself. I’d even feel resentment towards my own accomplishments sometimes. I think the accomplishment felt hollow when it came at the expense of my mental health.
I’ve also realized since those times that your capacity changes on a daily basis. Which is sometimes true even more so for autistic people! Holding myself to yesterday’s level of productivity or energy is not realistic. How much sleep did I get? How many people did I have to talk to? What work tasks were on my plate? All of these things change how much I can take on each day.
What Works Instead
Now, I acknowledge that I need to save something for myself. If I push myself to the point where I lose my appetite, can’t sleep, and can’t show up for my family, that’s just not sustainable! I’ve started to think of rest as the natural state, rather than activity. Once I am rested, what do I want to prioritize? What can be good enough at 80% of my effort, or even 20%?
This involves letting go of perfectionism. In the past, it didn’t seem worth doing it all if I couldn’t give 100%. Now I embrace a new saying: Anything worth doing is worth doing imperfectly.
Maybe I only spray the tile down with the showerhead and let the toilet cleaner soak. Perhaps my blog post for the week is a little more stream-of-consciousness than usual. I can live with these things now. Especially if it means I can attend to the things that actually can’t be put on the back burner with more energy.
Don’t Overthink It
In my experience, the people telling me, “don’t think so hard,” usually wanted something from me. But in order to feel comfortable with a decision, I have to process at my own depth and speed. I don’t like feeling rushed. Research is the fun part of deciding!
A closely related piece of advice is “don’t worry.” I am an autistic person and I have anxiety. My detail-oriented thinking style quite often does lead to worry. And telling me to stop is like saying, “Oh you have a cold? Well, just stop being sick!” If there’s even a remote possibility that the worry can come true, then it’s not going to work.
I know because I tried. After hearing some version of this advice over and over, I had a hypothesis. If I could just think and worry about 80% less, I would be more on par with others. The very fact that I approached the problem with such mathematical precision is telling! You cannot just turn a dial to slow down your thinking.
What Works Instead
I used to believe that I was my thoughts. Now I believe that my thoughts originate from me, but it’s my choice what to do with them. I’m the watcher, not the thoughts themselves. I learned this concept from Buddhism.
By separating out my thoughts from myself, and letting go of the need to control thoughts, I found some freedom. It’s now not a matter of overthinking or not. It’s how I decide to respond to the thoughts that arise. Sometimes I just notice them and then let them go on, like clouds in the sky. Other times they need an outlet, like a journal or a post. And some want validation from the people I care about.
I’m able to roll with the currents of my thoughts much better now, and see how some days bring storms, and others, calmer weather. And when I feel myself returning to the judgment of my processing style that characterized my earlier life, I observe and release that, too.
Be Professional
Before you clutch your pearls, hear me out. Ideas about professionalism are often biased. Your name, your hair texture, neurotype, skin color, disability status, language or dialect–all of these can influence how “professional” you seem in today’s world. Yet none of these things actually speak to our ability to do the work.
In the past, I felt huge pressure to mask in order to fit in at work. And that was even before I even knew exactly what I was masking! Furthermore, I could have written a whole book in the time I spent making myself “presentable” to teach. Yet male colleagues didn’t suffer the same drop in credibility if they showed up in a hoodie with bedhead.
I had to be feminine, but not too girly. Dress professionally, but not “power dress.” Look young, but not childish, and attractive, but not sexy. It was a complicated maze of expectations. So how am I showing up to work now?
What Works Instead
I now focus on integrity, authenticity, and respect when I show up for work. Are a weighted hoodie and a pair of tinted migraine glasses “professional” by the standards of old? Perhaps not, but they enable me to do my work. And they don’t keep anyone else from doing theirs. Same with the small octopus stuffy who keeps me company on my desk, and the compression gloves that keep my hands warm and supported.
I prefer to focus on results over appearance. Yes, there are clothes I wear out or at home that I don’t wear to work. But I’m not going to deny my humanity, or my uniqueness, in service of “professionalism.”
Conclusions
If there’s one takeaway from all of this, it’s to focus on the actual result of the advice rather than taking it to heart uncritically. As a kid, I wanted to believe my teachers, parents, and the posters on the classroom wall. So much so that it was difficult to acknowledge when something I heard from those sources wasn’t working for me.
I do believe the advice above came from a well-meaning place. Yet my own well being depends on my ability to choose what advice I take for myself. So there is some advice I’m no longer taking, even as I seek out new advice from resources that are a better fit for me.
Have you tried any advice that doesn’t work? Let me know in the comments!
As always, thanks for reading! If you want to stay up-to-date on the latest posts, and access OM, my free meditation tool, be sure to subscribe.
